Dear Eisley

I feel like maybe I should try to make up for the last 5 years and never having done this before, but I think for now I'll just start from now. Maybe I'll go back sometime later.
Right now you are just over 5 years old and the absolute light of my life. You make me smile, laugh, cry, and yell almost every day and I wouldn't have it any other way. You are strong willed. You are dramatic. You are sweet. You are hyper.
Right now you are going through a phase where you are not confident in yourself and that is really hard for me. To me you are capable of everything and anything. I wish I knew a way to make you understand that. You are so smart and so strong and so capable. I always thought you'd be able to accomplish anything because you always seemed like such a confident little girl. Like you could take on the world. Seeing you this way is so hard and I hope that God will guide me and show me the best way to help you through this.
You are also very strong willed. You are defiant. I try not to see this as a bad thing, although it is very frustrating at times. I don't give in to you because I know what's best for you, but you sure give me a fight. I hope you are this way when you are older in situations in your life because it will certainly come in handy. Being this hard headed will be a good thing one day.
Most of all, I love you. I do everything I do because I love you. I'm a "mean mommy" because I love you. I pray that one day you will understand that I tell you no because I love you, that I discipline you because I love you.

All my love,

Mommy

pressure

I feel an overwhelming pressure on me in so many areas of my life. So, to relieve a little of that pressure, I'm going to start trying to write out my feelings here at least once a week. I'd like to say I could commit to once a day, but I don't know. I want to have more concentrated posts, about what I'm dealing with in my head at that very moment, or that day. We will see. Maybe one day I'll become a "real" blogger.
Ha. Who am I kidding? I'm terrible at writing. Or coming up with ideas. This is going to be more of a diary, and hopefully it'll be somewhat therapeutic for me.

I also want to have a once a week "Dear Eisley" post. Yes she's 5 years old, but I guess it's never too late to start right?? RIGHT?

Well, here are my sort of promises to myself. Lets hope I can keep them.

well it's been over a year

and a lot has changed in my life. and i finally need to write down my feelings... somewhere. in June i started a relationship with someone who i feel is the love of my life. when we met 6 years ago and dated then, i may not have known it, but i truely believe there is a right time for everything and this is it. this is fate.

my biggest struggles right now are with my daughter. i'm afraid i have failed her. we have the relationship i imagined we would have when she was 14. she talks back, says hateful things. This morning she was sad for some reason, didn't want to go to school. She didn't want my comfort. she wouldn't even let me hold her hand. my heart aches so intensely in this moment i can hardly even stand it. I have had to be a mommy and a daddy, her sole discipliner. I think she may resent me for it. she always seems happier to be with anyone besides me. I try really hard to make time for just her and I, but sometimes i feel like there is no way i can do what i need to for her. i just don't know what to do, but i pray it gets better with time.

I love her more than anything in the world.