Dear Eisley

I feel like maybe I should try to make up for the last 5 years and never having done this before, but I think for now I'll just start from now. Maybe I'll go back sometime later.
Right now you are just over 5 years old and the absolute light of my life. You make me smile, laugh, cry, and yell almost every day and I wouldn't have it any other way. You are strong willed. You are dramatic. You are sweet. You are hyper.
Right now you are going through a phase where you are not confident in yourself and that is really hard for me. To me you are capable of everything and anything. I wish I knew a way to make you understand that. You are so smart and so strong and so capable. I always thought you'd be able to accomplish anything because you always seemed like such a confident little girl. Like you could take on the world. Seeing you this way is so hard and I hope that God will guide me and show me the best way to help you through this.
You are also very strong willed. You are defiant. I try not to see this as a bad thing, although it is very frustrating at times. I don't give in to you because I know what's best for you, but you sure give me a fight. I hope you are this way when you are older in situations in your life because it will certainly come in handy. Being this hard headed will be a good thing one day.
Most of all, I love you. I do everything I do because I love you. I'm a "mean mommy" because I love you. I pray that one day you will understand that I tell you no because I love you, that I discipline you because I love you.

All my love,

Mommy

pressure

I feel an overwhelming pressure on me in so many areas of my life. So, to relieve a little of that pressure, I'm going to start trying to write out my feelings here at least once a week. I'd like to say I could commit to once a day, but I don't know. I want to have more concentrated posts, about what I'm dealing with in my head at that very moment, or that day. We will see. Maybe one day I'll become a "real" blogger.
Ha. Who am I kidding? I'm terrible at writing. Or coming up with ideas. This is going to be more of a diary, and hopefully it'll be somewhat therapeutic for me.

I also want to have a once a week "Dear Eisley" post. Yes she's 5 years old, but I guess it's never too late to start right?? RIGHT?

Well, here are my sort of promises to myself. Lets hope I can keep them.

well it's been over a year

and a lot has changed in my life. and i finally need to write down my feelings... somewhere. in June i started a relationship with someone who i feel is the love of my life. when we met 6 years ago and dated then, i may not have known it, but i truely believe there is a right time for everything and this is it. this is fate.

my biggest struggles right now are with my daughter. i'm afraid i have failed her. we have the relationship i imagined we would have when she was 14. she talks back, says hateful things. This morning she was sad for some reason, didn't want to go to school. She didn't want my comfort. she wouldn't even let me hold her hand. my heart aches so intensely in this moment i can hardly even stand it. I have had to be a mommy and a daddy, her sole discipliner. I think she may resent me for it. she always seems happier to be with anyone besides me. I try really hard to make time for just her and I, but sometimes i feel like there is no way i can do what i need to for her. i just don't know what to do, but i pray it gets better with time.

I love her more than anything in the world.

never grow up

this new song by taylor swift COMPLETELY describes the feelings ive been wanting to express here but haven't been able to come up with the words to do it.

Your little hand's wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off
At 14 there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots
But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older too
And don't lose the way that you dance around in your pj's getting ready for school

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
No one's ever burned you, nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to, just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder that I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
I could still be little
Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
Won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even though you want to, please try to never grow up
Oh, don't you ever grow up
Oh, never grow up, just never grow up

I find myself feeling so terrified of failing my daughter... not giving her everything i could, not keeping her from getting hurt, making her hate me or not like me when she gets older, not teaching her to appreciate me as her mother even when i'm not her friend, not being there for her as much as i should be... i wish she could stay young and innocent forever. it would kill me if i found out when my daughter is a teenager that she talked about me the way i talked about my mom... i don't plan on being like my mom was but its a very real fear for me. being a mother is so scary and now that i'm doing it completely on my own its even scarier for me. its up to me and no one else to make sure she is the person she should be. i hope i'm not the only mother who feels this way. somehow i don't think i am. 

i love her so much. she really is my everything.